Sophia vs Ophelia

[Ryan Pugh]

1 rp

[Ophelia Pain]

I'm sure I looked like an idiot wearing my favorite yellow scarf in 60 degree weather, but as I looked around me at the other hipster douches smoking their American Spirits and wearing Ray Ban sunglasses, I figured I fit right in. I pushed my thick black rimmed glasses up my nose and took an deep drag off of the cigarette between my fingers. I blew it out and check my teeth in the reflection of the window glass...Tommy told me I looked like an idiot when I left this morning, but the red lipstick was a nice touch and that it made me look every bit as pretentious as the rest of the hipster sluts that listen to DubStep and Screamo to get guys in bands to like them....

So I ball tapped him and walked out the door...yea...I love him...but he called me pretentious...I'd apologize later, but right now I felt justified...

Anyway...I sat in the sunshine and leaned my head back, watching the poison smoke blow away from me in the breeze looking at the sky...

It boggled my mind how...I won the match at WWX against Isreal...and I moved to almost the bottom of the Insanity card...and on the same hand...Ken lost, but he's moved up to damn near Main Event status...but I figured that since the chick I was facing this week got her ass handed to her at the pay per view...I'd treat this like it was a week off...

And thats why I'm sitting here in the tiny little cafe, sipping iced tea and waiting on my "gourmet" hamburger. I snuffed my cigarette out when I saw my skinny jeaned waiter waddling over to my table carrying what I hoped was a complementary appetizer...

He set the tiniest hamburger known to man in front of me and looked at me like I was inconveniencing him...I raised my eyebrows at him...

Where's the rest of it?

What do you mean?

Uhm...this is a bite...I already know what a hamburger tastes like...I don't need to sample it first...

Are you kidding? Most girls that come here can't even finish half of it...

Well it's fantastic that you cater to the bulimic community of Los Angeles, but I'm gonna need about six more of these to get full...

Look lady...this is a gourmet restaurant...we've served J-Lo and Katy Perry...they were completely satisfied with their meals...if you want a fattening burger and fires...there is a McDonalds down the street...

I rolled my eyes and ran my tongue across my teeth...I nodded...

Well...I'm insanely happy for Ms. Lopez and the former Mrs. Brand...but I'm an athlete...I need something a little more substantial than this...So why don't you go ahead and bring me another couple of these litle slider things...

He rolled his eyes and turned away from me...

Hang on a sec! C'mere...

He came back to my table and I beckoned him closer to me...he bent over, which I'm sure is a position he is quite familiar with, to listen to me...

And if there is any spit or boogers or semen or anything that shouldn't be consumed by a person on anything you bring me during the duration of the rest of my meal...I will come back here and pop your head off with my bicep...

I flexed my arm, showing the small bump on my arm that, to the untrained eye, looked like a bulging muscle. His upper lip curled as he looked at me and I looked back at him before he walked away...I picked up my tiny burger and popped it into my mouth...and as I chewed, I started thinking again...

Tommy had become quite the dick hole here recently. He was being really distant...he was sleeping in his own room most nights...our sex life had all but stopped...if I didn't, for lack of a better term, rape him yesterday morning while he was in the shower, I don't think we'd have had sex in almost a week...he's been calling me dude a lot...I was starting to get worried that things were starting to go south for us...

No fucking way...

I ate the three french fries that were laying on my plate and even contemplated eating the garnish...I thought it was a little over the top that someone was so amazed that I finished my tiny meal in under 5 bites that they had to exclaim in the middle of the restaurant...

Ophelia fucking Pain?!

I turned around and threw my hands up in the air...

Jesus Christ! Lets all marvel at the fat ass that can eat the tiny hamburger in one bite! What is your fucking problem ass fuck?!

I turned around and took my sunglasses off, glaring at the short guy with the weirdest haircut on the plant...it took half a second before I recognized the weirdo haircut that belonged to someone I had been dying to meet for a while now...

Holy fuck...

Holy fuck!! Ophelia Fucking Pain!!!

I stood up and walked over to him and stuck my hand out, ignoring all impulses that screamed "Be cool...just be cool..." and allowing my inner fangirl to take over...

Oh my fucking god dude! You're-you're-

Fuck who I am!! You're Ophelia Pain!!

It blew my mind that he was reacting to meeting me the same way I was reacting to meeting him. I was about to cry I was so excited. This must be how that Beiber fag's fans feel...

I cannot believe that you know who- fuckin Skrillex knows who I am!! Skrillex is a fan of MINE!!

Holy fuck...Ophelia Pain man...please tell me you haven't eaten yet?!

I ate something...it wasn't really a meal though...

I was just headed to this bar...they have the greatest food fucking ever...you gotta come with me!

Uhm, lunch with Skrillex...I think if I were a dude, I'd cut my balls off and call myself Shirley from this day forward if I turned him down...

I would love that!

I stood up, grabbed my smokes and my sunglasses, and walked my happy ass off the porch of the restaurant...we started walking away...

There was a plate in front of you...

Pssh...that was a crumb...I'm not paying to eat a rat's portion of a shitty dry hamburger...

He nodded at me like I was awesome, which made me heart smile. As we walked we started to talk about everything...my career before he started watching PCW programming, his career before he started doing dubstep, Tommy, all the techno sluts he's encountered over the years, this week's match, and his week off to spend with his family...

Over beer, onion rings, and cigarettes, I felt like I knew him better than his closest friends. We took turns signing autographs for random fans that came up to us...many not knowing who either of us were until they heard my entrance music or saw my entrance video once someone at WWX shot a video of it and posted it on Facebook...once we finally got a few minutes to ourselves, we ordered another pitcher and he looked at me...

What made you pick that song?

I dunno...I just kinda interpreted the lyrics as someone accomplishing the impossible you know? How does someone set rain on fire? And I liked the Adele song by itself...it was one of those songs that you sing in the shower on a day where you feel like "I don't need a man! I set fire to the rain goddamnit!"...

I wouldn't know how that feels...

Hahaha! I know I wasn't insinuating that you would...I'm just saying...that the Adele song by itself is a great song to sing along to...but when it's added to "Kill Everybody"...it becomes this eargasmic experience that is impossible to describe...it just seemed to fit...

I've never heard anything of mine described as an eargasmic experience, Pheelz...

Then you're askin the wrong chicks, baby...

I winked at him and we both laughed...

I honestly never once thought that I would be sitting here with someone I admired so much, having a beer and shooting the shit about our lives. And it wasn't so much that he'd heard of me and liked what I did, but he was a legitimate fan...

Skrillex is a fan of mine...and forgive me, but in my mind...that means I've made it...

After Insanity this week, this Sophia whatever was going to be a distant memory of what never was. Not showing up to appearances and blowing off fans and shit is one thing, but you never step into the ring with Ophelia Pain and expect to be able to breeze through the match...I will take your ass to hell and back...knock you out, wake you up just to knock you out again...

Bitch your time has come to get your's...my only hope is that I don't beat you too bad...but when I get in the mood to destroy something beautiful...God himself couldn't help you...