See Me Through
W[/size]riting the three words on my napkin with the bent-up little feather pen, I stare at them dully. The ink slowly bleeds through the material, and the words become nothing but a blur. But they haven't disappeared. They're still there. Those three
fucking words. I was haunted by them... and I'm still not sure why. Maybe because I was never one to cry out for help. I was never one for such senseless emotions... I was... never one to reach out. I'd never needed to...
"...and if I have to crawl..." My soft words are slurred, as the tequila I'd just taken a gulp of leaves an emptiness in my stomach as it burns it's way down my throat. "...see me through..."
Maybe I should be cheerful. We'd won, after all. Our stupid fucking match... New Edge vs PCW vs the cRu and we'd won... right? No, Matt fucking Slater had won. I'd gotten eliminated by Inkt, which I didn't have much of an issue with. He and I had never had problems, really... quite the opposite in our past. But it was the fact that some outlasted me that shouldn't have. It's ignorance to believe otherwise. But what does a woman who has nothing know about anything?
Please the fools...It seems to be the same repetitive motion time and time again. Like a plague set down on those not so lucky. The sickness feeds off of us, slowly... agonizingly... until there's nothing fucking left. "Nothing left..."
Madness... that's what is boiling up inside of me. Matt Slater knows... Jen knows... who else does? They all know what's wrong with me. They've found it out and they've got it to hold above my head. Revenge on the wicked. Why didn't Reya Serra want a taste of such a thing? Getting back at the demon who wants nothing but to harm the innocent. No, not just harm. Mutilate... bludgeon... watch them scream in pain and beg for fucking mercy.
Bathe in their blood. Dear god... what the
fuck is wrong with me.
"Hey there... you alone tonight?"
Men... what to do about them; to them. My icy, pale eyes stare daggers at the guy standing beside me. He's familiar, in a sense, but my tequila affected eyes aren't seeing straight. But even without the alcohol poisoning my body, I didn't know what was real and what wasn't. And so I reach a hand out to touch this guy's cheek, moving in close to stare deeply into his eyes... his soul. The eyes are the key to the soul after all, right?
The guy trails a finger up my bare arm, my usual leather jacket tossed carelessly to the floor as my body burns violently. The beat of the music in the club known simply as 'Eden' throbbed through the wood floor boards, pulsating through our bodies rhythmically. It was making my mind go haywire. Once, grabbing hold and not letting go. Let go. He had me by the arm, and I was gone. Twice, love knows no boundaries. Even for a lunatic with no tongue... until he punches a woman he claims to love in the face,
she breaks up with his sorry, pitiful and rather flat ass. But of course, he acts all high and mighty as though
he had any choice in it (haHA). Pitiful fucking...
Understand the ignorance before fighting it...Why must I go about doing whatever the fuck everyone else wants to?! Why must I play by their rules, and not enjoy myself?! Was it simply their world to live?! Because if it fucking was, I didn't want a part of it. Shaking my head, I try to control my anger as these thoughts jump around in my head. The guy is pressing against me now, and I'm ready to pluck those hazel eyes right out of his fucking head for looking at me like that. Meat... I'm not just that. No woman is... not even Aurora Deadwood.
My opponent that week is a strong competitor... powerful in her own sense, and somehow world renown. She was the TV Champion for some time, and then tag champion with another woman I respected, Apathy. Aurora and I have had one match... she won, and had hit me at my lowest time. But isn't this week the same? Am I at an all time low this week? I'm in pain... my heart hurts, my head hurts, my throat hurts, and my ego hurts. That last one's a killer...
Let no one drag you down...It's my job... my way of life. To grab hold of someone and taint them... pull them down with me to Hell. I'm not a lunatic, I'm just insane. I'm not crazy, I'm just fucked up in the head. I'm a demon with no soul... a fallen angel with no direction. You have no idea. No, not even Deadwood does. My feelings toward her are neutral... but she has no idea what can happen if she unleashes this devil within me... to torment her... torment myself. It's a frightening thought, even to myself...
Let no fear hold you back..."Impossible..." My raspy whisper stuns the guy holding on to me, and he lets go in confusion, right in time for a muscular arm to swing in the middle of us, and a handsome man steps between the man and I, his cold dark eyes glowering coldly at the pervert, who backs off. My own icy eyes gaze at my 'savior'. "Matt..."
"Cera... how much have you had?" He questions, eyes on the glasses at the bar in front of me. My glazed-over look trails along the bar, then back to my lover.
"Mmm... lots..."
"Why?! What's wrong Cera... tell me." He seems frustrated. I'm not really surprised, as I have that affect on others. I'm so sick of having that affect on him. Maybe evoking terror and anger in everyone else is fine, but not with Slater. Rubbing my cheeks, I try to smile.
"Nothing... nothing's wrong. I just... can't feel my chest."
"What? Why?"
"Because there's nothing left in there..."
There hasn't been for a while...Matt grabs my waist and lifts me on a bar stool, looking worried as he cups my face in his hands. "There is Cera, and I know this. Is this all about Tyler or something? Or is it retribution of sorts? Either way, it isn't needed... you have a match to focus on... and you don't need to stress out..."
"I can't face him..."
"You must! He's your son, though no legally... it's important to both of you!"
"I know..."
"If you know, then why..."
"You went ahead of me... Matt..." Feeling a tear slip down my cheek, I furiously wipe at it and stare away. It hurts... fucking hurts so bad and I can't make this go away. The only way I can relieve it... my eyes gaze back down to the bandaging on my palm. Not from the burn from the week before, but a fresh cut... from my blade. Pain is alluring, though others' is better. I would have to show Aurora this.... feeling that is better than the other kind of pain, right? Right...
Hell is painful enough as it is..."Cera... you made me promise..." He looks pained. I know I shouldn't be doing this to him, and that it's not fair. I had been the one to tell him to go on ahead of me if I fell... to win for our team, and to keep his pride. It's only fair, after all. But somehow... with Jen having disappeared and Tyler having wanted nothing to do with me... whilst I pushed away the only angel willing to help, due to the contrast between us... well, I'd put everything into Matt. He puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder, helping me to my feet.
"We should go... Tyler's waiting back at the hotel Cera. And this will relieve that tension and pressure building up inside of you. Trust me..."
Everyone says that... it's a lie..."I do..."
I'm not sure if that's a lie or not though. Maybe it's because of the want... no, the
need to trust Matt. Somehow I feel he's all I have left... and that scares me. I don't want to be alone. I spent to much time being alone... far too much time. And so here I stand, in front of a man who I try my hardest to love, as the devil inside of me screams for me to get the fuck out, while the last good will tells me to try it out.
Try what out, though? Trust?Trust is hard to rebuild... but harder to build alone. But what if you aren't alone? What if you have someone... more than one person... but refuse the assistance? Does it still count? Does it still matter? Has it ever? Things aren't easily made better, they're always tarnished and rusted over and it fucking sucks. But I already know how this game will go. I've figured it out, so all I have to do is wait...
Roll through it all..."If it all fails in the end?" My question is spoken miserably, as I wring my hands together. I'm being led through the club by Slater now, as he speaks warmly. I love the way he lies... throwing forth each loving, caring comment straight into my face. I love it, don't get me wrong. But what I'm not sure about is what love even is. And so I listen... I respond. But I don't know what I feel anymore... if anything. Just... numbness.
"Matt..."
"Yes, Cera?" Ha pauses in the middle of the dancefloor, as the music continues pounding in our ears. People dance all around us, bodies melting against bodies, hands everywhere. Matt keeps a hand around me, resting on the small of my back as he speaks with me. "Please talk to me, Cera..."
"...blood..." He pauses and looks down to see droplets of blood on the ground, then turns to see a man who's been cut (though not vitally wounded). No one notices, thinking it's part of the festivities as they continue to dance, despite the guy falling down nearby. I'm unfocused, out of it, as Matt grabs my arms and whispers in a slow voice.
"Why?!"
"When it's all you know... that's how things end up. They always end up like that..."
"People can change Cera..."
"And if they don't want to?"
"Self control..."
"And if they don't have any...?"
"Then I'll use force." His tone's dead serious, and I actually feel a bit threatened by him. Slater's a strong man... he knows how to get what he wants, in more way then one. And I know that if he says he'll use force... I better believe him. With a deep breath, I shoot him a weak smile.
"Is that a threat or a promise."
"Both." He cracks a smirk, and I exhale softly and let my gaze fall to the drops of blood on the wood floor again. They've been smeared across the floor in an almost artistic way, and yet I feel like it's all orderly. Blinking, I turn my head to the side as I'm led away from this. My heart's racing, and I have that animalistic fucking urge again. I see red... I want to see red. Shed red. Blood all over the floor, people screaming. What a disturbing desire... yet alluring.
Intrigue begins..."You're still acting a bit off, Cera." Matt is helping me to the door, and as soon as we step outside a blast of cold air hits me. Usually I'd run back inside to hide from this shit, but with the blasting fucking heat ripping through me... the icy temp feels good against my practically bare skin. I feel Slater put my leather jacket on me (when did he get it??), then take me to his car. As he gets in and pulls on his seatbelt after securing me in as well, Matt starts the car and glances over at me. Finally I speak dazedly.
"Alcohol plus pills... not a good combo. Word to the wise..."
"What did you take?"
"Vidocen......."
"You mean vicoden..."
"Yes sir..." Saluting him, I yanked my boots off and rested my feet on his lap, leaning back and trying to stop the throbbing in my temple. Feeling a hand gently stroke my leg, I open my eyes to see Matt staring ahead, driving with one hand with his other on me. "You love me, huh?"
The question catches him off guard, and he turns back to me. The answer only make my chest hurt more. "Yes."
"I love you too..." He looks surprised. Though I don't really say it much, so it's no shock that his stunned look is followed by a weak smile.
"You're still out of it though..."
"Doesn't mean the feelings aren't the same..."
"And Reya?"
"Mmm... find a mailbox." At his questioning look, I wave him off and hold up a manila envelope. Inside is the picture locket Reya got me for my birthday. It is a symbol of our relationship... of how much she cares for me and loves me as a sister. When I'd dragged the blade across my palm earlier that day... I'd dipped the locket into my blood, carefully placed it in this envelope, and then put a stamp on that shit. This was a symbol of how much I wanted to torment her... of how I would always be the one to taint her; to rip off her wings and snap her halo in half. Reya would be in for quite the present...
God be with her, heh...After dropping the mail into the big blue box, we head back towards the expensive hotel Slater has gotten for us. Apparently he's gotten one for Jen and Carrie too, but both women have gone missing. And so I don't know what to do, with my best friend having disappeared, when I need her most. I fucking need her and she's gone. Feeling that tugging again, I shove it desperately away and shut my eyes tighter as Matt leads me into the darkened room, the only light from the TV. There on the bed closest to the window is Ty, with a young woman from the hotel sitting with him. She hurriedly gets up, is given money by Slater, then takes off upon seeing me. Not even her fear of me gets my spirits up... fuck...
As Matt goes to prepare for bed, kissing me softly on the lips, I stand alone for a while, thoughts on my opponent that week. She'd lost herself, it seemed. I'd heard the rumors... of how she is a lunatic... how she's gone completely insane. Usually I'd make fun of this... usually I'd make her look stupid, or call her on any bullshit. But my B.S. detector was faltering, and my will to throw shit back in her face was minimal at best. Everything felt... different this week. Too many decisions have been made. My ultimate decision to become my own twin sister's worst enemy, the demon to her angel... the idea of falling in love tearing into me... and deciding where I'd go next...
Go home...To hell or back where I grew up? Face your demons (ha), and see yourself through. I tell myself this firmly, yet another decision made as I sigh and whisper to myself as I move over to Tyler, "I don't want to defeat you... Roe..."
Every demon has it's moment in heaven...Gently brushing the blonde hair from his small face, I lean down and kiss Ty on the forehead. He's warm, and stirs slightly at the soft touch. But I glance back to see Matt gone already, then turn back to the young child laying fast asleep in the bed below. Peaceful... nothing worrying him at that particular moment. He hates nothing right then... he has no fears or concerns, no miseries and simple frailties. Tranquility at it's best... only to eventually be torn apart by chaos.
Rock-a-bye baby... his mom at the top... when the fire rises, his safety will drop... when the heart's break, the trust will just fall... and down will come Tyler, innocence and all...To taint the innocent is one thing... but to make sure of a child's ultimate downfall by dragging him to Hell with you is just heartless. Or senseless. But don't you and I both lack that, Miss Deadwood?
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~●*The Baddest Bitch*●~[/color][/center]
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~This has been a V rp, thanx for reading and have a great f*cking day!~
P.s: *hugs Panda extra tight and walks out*
P.s.s: My rps are not, and never will be, on camera... unless I say so.
